If you thought this year was bad, wait until you see 2018

Posted By: December 30, 2017

Patrick Murphy. Irish News. Belfast.  Saturday, December 30, 2017 

While other newspapers provide a review of events during the past year, this column brings you the news headlines for 2018.
Marching season begins.
Breakthrough in Stormont talks. Parties finally agree on something – that MLAs should be paid for doing nothing. Widespread street celebrations for Doing Nothing Agreement.
Sinn Fein  denies it was a member of the Stormont Executive: “We always supported it but we were never members.”
Doing Nothing Agreement breaks down after Sinn Féin demands that MLAs should have the right to do nothing in Irish. DUP insists doing nothing should be in English. UUP agrees that nothing should be done in English. DUP says they did not mean it that way. Alliance Party calls for bilingual idleness.
DUP says no-one should buy The Irish News.
Irish News sales rise.
Re-convened Stormont talks move to England. Street protests across The North complaining that they have not gone far enough away. Talks win Nobel Prize for lethargy.
The Irish News asks Gregory Campbell to be the new marketing manager.
Nationalists write to Leo Varadkar demanding Irish austerity for The North in place of British austerity.
Lorry loads of Irish austerity cross the border. Leo Varadkar hands out austerity parcels to grateful nationalists on the Falls Road. Levels of child poverty in west Belfast to be measured in Irish.
Dublin middle classes organize an anti-British protest in Dublin. British embassy not burned, just lightly grilled on one side and sprinkled with red-wine sauce.
Stormont talks begin a European tour.
March again (this time by the traditional route)
Dublin government decides to remove the border from Irish politics. Border dug up and taken to Dublin for Garda protection. DUP says the border is British and should be in Belfast. Border stolen. Pope cancels Irish visit because there is no border to cross.
DUP blamed for stealing Border so they can put it back. Police raid house on Shankill Road and find pieces of missing border believed to have been smuggled into North. They include a length of a hedge from South Armagh in a dangerous condition and a small stream from Fermanagh. PSNI condemns cross-border smuggling of border pieces.
Continuity IRA claims to be in possession of some of The Border so they can blow it up. Reports of fake Border bits circulating in Strabane. Emergency supplies dropped to smugglers facing starvation where the Border used to be. Northern politicians speechless without it.
Irish government cancels May in protest against Theresa. No May Day parades in Ireland.
Leo Varadkar wins Eurovision Song Contest. Calls immediate election.
Stormont talks on holiday in Spain.
Wolfe Tones ballad group win the southern election, enters a coalition with SF and plans to introduce new legislation. SF says, “Tiocfaidh ár law.”
July and August
Lots of marches, demonstrations, and speeches giving off about things. No-one pays much attention.
British to construct new Border. It will be stainless steel, fully automatic and digital to mark the division between Irish poverty and British poverty.
Dublin government refuses to recognize new Border and asks Bord Fáilte to build traditional Irish version, using turf and thatch. EU supports Irish border because it is easier to get through.
New borders not in exactly same place as old one. Some people in Leitrim are now having to learn to speak with Fermanagh accent.
Last surviving SDLP member retires (That bit will annoy the SDLP and please SF). Sinn Féin denies meeting the queen in the past. “Technically, we met her but we did not inhale any of the royal atmosphere, so it doesn’t count.” (That will annoy SF and please the SDLP.) Stormont talks reach the USA. DUP MLAs afraid they will fall off the edge of the flat earth. (That will annoy the DUP and please the rest of the world.)
New LP released: The Stormont talks live at Carnegie Hall.
British government abolishes the past. Time begins today, and anything which happened before now did not happen because there was nothing before today. Use of word “collusion” is banned and will now be replaced by “coincidence.”
Schools cannot afford to re-open. Education department announces plans for hedge schools. A capital development programme for hedges announced.
Stormont talks get their own TV series.
Last hospital bed sold off to pay MLA salaries.
Stormont talks reach No 1 in Irish charts with We Won’t Be Home For Christmas. Thousands throng the streets to celebrate.
Marching season ends.